Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.