sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
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Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Ovenable?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
All is fair in drunk and war.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.