Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
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“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
beware of dog
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.