we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
When I snag the last meatball.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me