Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
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just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
✌🏽
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question