Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
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I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.