“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”