me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
You Might Also Like
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*