When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.