I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
shit, they caught us—run!!!
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
This is always good for a laugh.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.