Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
You Might Also Like
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
WHO DID THIS?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”