Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*