If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
LMAO
My patience has stretch marks.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.