Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.