[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk