The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
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Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable