When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
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Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.