Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Buying a well is money well spent.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes