My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
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SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!