me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle