My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Rather alarming headline…
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.