All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro