me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Guys, I found it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
New menu item
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
when revenge coincides with naptime
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.