I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
S O O N
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.