*limbos away from your hug*
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
couldn’t resist
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
it was love at first sight