You Might Also Like
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Breaking news:
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies