detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
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Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins