[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
definitely did not do anything wrong
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”