Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
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I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Scream sneezers need love too.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.