I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.