I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
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That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit