Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.