[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
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I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
NASA has no chill
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.