When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
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There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
A friend helps you before you need it
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Jogging
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
need a new bf mines broken 😐
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.