I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair