Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
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Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
when there are deer in the woods