Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
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The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.