“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.