me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
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A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one