You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
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Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY鈥橲 POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
MRI machines don鈥檛 have to be that loud. They just don鈥檛 want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If it鈥檚 the thought that matters, I had a shower today 馃槈
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It鈥檚 okay to eat her too, right? I didn鈥檛 have breakfast.
Job interviewer: so what鈥檚 your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Squirrel having fun.. 馃槄
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 馃ぃ
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
ok what if you鈥檙e in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He鈥檚 a pickpocket.