We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.