Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
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Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Comparing yourself to others
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.