Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
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I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.