How software testing works
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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off