My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
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Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”