Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*orders delivery*
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost