Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
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Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
U talkin 2 me?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.