Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
You Might Also Like
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
#NoRestForTheWicked
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
craving $300 all of a sudden
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words