Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
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A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.