FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
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Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.